medusa

 this year, i dropped out of university. i went to college for two years right out of high school, went to uni, barely passed first year. i failed second year and had to resit; and as it became horrendously clear that i was going to fail second year a second time, i admitted some things to myself & i pulled out before i could get that black mark. it was a bad year to drop out of university. 

i haven't been able to get a job. next month, everyone is going to start looking for christmas temps and i'm a little more optimistic about my chances, but in the past month i've applied for twelve jobs (i am choosing despite being a beggar, sorry, i can't do another warehouse job, it drained the soul out of me.) and heard back from none of them. all i keep hearing is that i should be kind to myself, because it's literally the apocalypse right now and unemployment rates in the country i live in are astronomical, this isn't so much a me thing as a 'everyone needs a job and nobody can afford to hire' thing. 

which i agree with. and it's the type of thing i say to literally everyone i've come into contact with who has the same problem as me. i've also never found myself judging someone for their weight. but like, having a bit of a thing for bears literally did nothing to halt the runaway freight train that was my sexy little teenage eating disorder. and the fact i'm turned on by the body of the boy who was a few years above me in school (who i've been sexting for five years but who's dick i've only sucked once) hasn't comforted my brain from threatening to return to dark and scary places every time i have to see the evidence of my own quarantine-weight-gain in the mirror. 

what i'm saying is that it's different when it's me. everyone always talks about the pressures of being the 'smart one' of the family, and the inevitable collapse of the child genius. but it's also difficult to be the stupid one of the family, prove everyone wrong, then prove them all right again. going from 'first in the family to go to uni' to 'only one in the family currently on the dole' is a bitter pill to swallow. 

what i'm saying saying, is that i've been depressed. and what better outlet for that than a return to the ghost-town of the first place i ever got wrapped up in inconsequential internet drama over life simulation games?

hi blogger, how've you been x