i downloaded a fasting app.

i’ve yet to use it, because i’m not a numbers person. it’s never worked for me because i struggle to conceptualise them and make them real measurable things. i don’t know what i weigh and i’m scared to find out. i have it in my head that i have to be within 50-early60kg because that’s what most male k-pop idols are. i’ve always been a fan of kpop but i’ve never compared my body to theirs because i was always thin and because i’ve never been interested in being muscular. but i watched sungjong performing coming of age ceremony which has always been one of my favourite performances anyone has ever done and i can’t enjoy it anymore cause all i can think about is his tiny little waist and how mine has been thoroughly unsnatched. i image i’m mid to late 60s. i think if i found out i was in the 70s i would genuinely consider killing myself. i’m like 5’8”. i can’t be within 70kg.

i’m in this weird sort of twilight zone though where i know for a fact that i have body dysmorphia and i have these weird moments which at the time feel like clarity where i’m like oh work i’ve been skinny this whole time. but how am i supposed to know that it’s real when i see someone who’s thin and my head playing tricks when i see someone the size of a house? i don’t know what’s real. i’ve always felt like i was good looking and now i have to avoid looking in the mirror cause if i look at myself i feel suicidal. i look hideous lately and i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting older or because all of this stress is showing on my face or if i’ve just always been so disgusting and i’ve been delusional about my appearance. the full body cringe that i feel when i consider that possibility is like debilitating. that’s humiliating.

i have one meal a day and i was doing good at not snacking, but for whatever reason, i’ve been snacking a lot recently. ultimately i am just kind of a greedy person. i like to eat and that fucks with me because i eat when i don’t need to. i’ve been going on walks as a way to manage this and it’s working to not make me any fatter but i’m not getting any skinnier. genuinely consider just forging myself with a pack of raw pork and shitting all of the weight away. but i’m too scared of bugs to risk the parasite. gonna just start the timer on the fasting app. weather permitting i’ll go a long walk tomorrow too.

so that’s where i’m at. how’re u