there’s this weird feeling whenever i remember this blog exists. there’s such little evidence it does exist or ever had anything on it, beyond like, some embarrassing screenshots on the mares nest. that’s why i feel comfortable venting here when i’m at my lowest i guess. i’m not in that kind of mood right now but i have just done an all nighter before a 10 hour shift. that was an accident, but hey. i have a job now. that’s something good to report here. 

anyway it’s just one of those things where i laid awake all night but couldn’t get to sleep and so i thought about, like, a thousand things, and one of them was just the memory of the sims 3 community and how weird it was to be an attention seeking twelve year old trying so hard to fit in with a bunch of 20 somethings. like it would have been weird if they’d been my friend back then. i kinda wish i could have seen that, but you know. i was twelve. 

it’s a shame because it’s a dead community. there’s a sims community but it’s not this one. that’s okay. it only seems so good because of the nostalgia. 

i remember when i tried to come back and the mares fucking gutted me and to be honest, i’m glad they did. it was an exercise in ego, as if anybody would even care i was back. i barely even posted about the sims. i was best known for trolling a forum and even then i was just really in a more interesting persons orbit. but they said something of the lines of, if you want to be in the community, contribute to it for a change. that was a wake up call. it scared me away and i kind of wish it didn’t. i would have had a little more time with this community if it didn’t. 

i think i wish i hadn’t sacrificed my love for the sims but instead centred it. there was shit i could have been making and i have an identity of my own that could have been shown in my work. i’m a good writer and i should have written. even at twelve, i could get into the finales of those forum modelling competitions armed with tacky online-photo editors and whatever CC i could manage to scavenge from downloading sims off the exchange. i’m not trying to toot my own titties, i just wish i saw that shit then. 

i don’t know, i mean, i’ve always harboured a certain amount of shame when it comes to my time here but i’m trying to let that go because it was twelve years ago and i can barely remember it. like, yeah, i was weird and annoying. i was a little boy. i just wish that little boy didn’t have to feel like he was nothing compared to a bunch of adults; and i wish that i understood that those adults didn’t, like, hate me or think i was beneath them, they were just taking reasonable distance from like . a group of hyper preteens who chose their chatboxes as a social gathering. 

i’ll always miss those days but i think it’s time to do something with the sims that i’ve always wanted to do. and maybe i won’t bother pretending not to be gorgon. nobody knows who he is, now, but maybe i owe it to him to contribute for once. 

once a pink plumbob, always a pink plumbob. 

 i saw a picture of this girl on twitter and you could literally see her hip bones and yet she still has this like monster high doll body with the tiny little waist. i hate hate hate that i’m in a place now where seeing things like that will ruin my entire day. there’s a part of me that really really knows that that shouldn’t be aspirational to me but it definitely fucking is. cause i miss it. i miss being dangerously thin and i miss people worrying about me. like i miss people suspecting i had an eating disorder when i didn’t. i know that that sounds fucking disgusting but it’s honest. and nobody reads this so i can be fucking disgusting if i want to be. i liked it. i liked being so thin that people thought i was ill and now that i’m fat i miss it. i don’t judge fat people but i am disgusted with my own body. 

what’s weird is that i hooked up with a guy last week and like for the first time in a long time it wasn’t an older guy lmao. he was two years younger than me (so he was 21) and he was hot. and he kept complimenting my looks and my body while i was fucking him and so i really did feel hot. like cause he was so into it? but as soon as it was over i just couldn’t keep that ego boost. it lasted until i next saw myself in the mirror and now i wonder if he was just complimenting me cause he felt he had to. 

whatever. apparently add random skinny girls who’s selfies my friends like on twitter that come up on my feed without me looking for it to the list of things i literally just can’t fucking see now. i just want to be on the other end of this. i haven’t used the fasting app and i really don’t want to relapse. like i’ve been doing so fucking well. 

i move next week. maybe getting out of my hometown will make me feel better. if not. i guess i’ll just stuff my face with raw pork. 

 i downloaded a fasting app.

i’ve yet to use it, because i’m not a numbers person. it’s never worked for me because i struggle to conceptualise them and make them real measurable things. i don’t know what i weigh and i’m scared to find out. i have it in my head that i have to be within 50-early60kg because that’s what most male k-pop idols are. i’ve always been a fan of kpop but i’ve never compared my body to theirs because i was always thin and because i’ve never been interested in being muscular. but i watched sungjong performing coming of age ceremony which has always been one of my favourite performances anyone has ever done and i can’t enjoy it anymore cause all i can think about is his tiny little waist and how mine has been thoroughly unsnatched. i image i’m mid to late 60s. i think if i found out i was in the 70s i would genuinely consider killing myself. i’m like 5’8”. i can’t be within 70kg.

i’m in this weird sort of twilight zone though where i know for a fact that i have body dysmorphia and i have these weird moments which at the time feel like clarity where i’m like oh work i’ve been skinny this whole time. but how am i supposed to know that it’s real when i see someone who’s thin and my head playing tricks when i see someone the size of a house? i don’t know what’s real. i’ve always felt like i was good looking and now i have to avoid looking in the mirror cause if i look at myself i feel suicidal. i look hideous lately and i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting older or because all of this stress is showing on my face or if i’ve just always been so disgusting and i’ve been delusional about my appearance. the full body cringe that i feel when i consider that possibility is like debilitating. that’s humiliating.

i have one meal a day and i was doing good at not snacking, but for whatever reason, i’ve been snacking a lot recently. ultimately i am just kind of a greedy person. i like to eat and that fucks with me because i eat when i don’t need to. i’ve been going on walks as a way to manage this and it’s working to not make me any fatter but i’m not getting any skinnier. genuinely consider just forging myself with a pack of raw pork and shitting all of the weight away. but i’m too scared of bugs to risk the parasite. gonna just start the timer on the fasting app. weather permitting i’ll go a long walk tomorrow too.

so that’s where i’m at. how’re u

medusa

 this year, i dropped out of university. i went to college for two years right out of high school, went to uni, barely passed first year. i failed second year and had to resit; and as it became horrendously clear that i was going to fail second year a second time, i admitted some things to myself & i pulled out before i could get that black mark. it was a bad year to drop out of university. 

i haven't been able to get a job. next month, everyone is going to start looking for christmas temps and i'm a little more optimistic about my chances, but in the past month i've applied for twelve jobs (i am choosing despite being a beggar, sorry, i can't do another warehouse job, it drained the soul out of me.) and heard back from none of them. all i keep hearing is that i should be kind to myself, because it's literally the apocalypse right now and unemployment rates in the country i live in are astronomical, this isn't so much a me thing as a 'everyone needs a job and nobody can afford to hire' thing. 

which i agree with. and it's the type of thing i say to literally everyone i've come into contact with who has the same problem as me. i've also never found myself judging someone for their weight. but like, having a bit of a thing for bears literally did nothing to halt the runaway freight train that was my sexy little teenage eating disorder. and the fact i'm turned on by the body of the boy who was a few years above me in school (who i've been sexting for five years but who's dick i've only sucked once) hasn't comforted my brain from threatening to return to dark and scary places every time i have to see the evidence of my own quarantine-weight-gain in the mirror. 

what i'm saying is that it's different when it's me. everyone always talks about the pressures of being the 'smart one' of the family, and the inevitable collapse of the child genius. but it's also difficult to be the stupid one of the family, prove everyone wrong, then prove them all right again. going from 'first in the family to go to uni' to 'only one in the family currently on the dole' is a bitter pill to swallow. 

what i'm saying saying, is that i've been depressed. and what better outlet for that than a return to the ghost-town of the first place i ever got wrapped up in inconsequential internet drama over life simulation games?

hi blogger, how've you been x

eh eh eh

i love the sims 3. it's a very nostalgic sort of fondness, though. it's been a very on-and-off thing in my life since, from Christmas 2009 when i first bought it, it's been extremely temperamental. it may also be because of my computer- financially my family have never really been able to splash out and i got my current PC on the same day i got the Sims. Not to say we've never been able to afford new computers, there are multiple in my house and I've seen many come and go- but rather, the computer I have is a good model. It's a proper gaming PC, it has a good graphics card, lots of memory ect. There have been many times where I've been in the position to get a new one, I've just never needed one, there has always been a more beneficial thing to buy. However, as you could probably imagine, six years is a lot for a computer, even a solid one, and she's getting on a bit. Just, really general slowness, and I admit that the one time I accidentally ended up in the deepest darkest center of the scary internet trying to find a torrent of the Willam Belli album even though I was warned it was an impossible feat (I've since purchased the album legally, sorry WB) did a number on the old girl that she never really recovered from, despite my security software's best efforts. And so it's made Simming near impossible. Thankfully, somehow, my game is running smoothly, but for some reason, when I opened it up on Sunday, it had suddenly deleted all but two sims. These Sims were male and female. I've since decided to plop them down in a premade house that some over townie family used to live in, and I guess I'll see what happens. I'll show you them- hold on.

This is our young heroine female resident. Her name is Mato Kuroi, which if I recall is the main character from Black Rock Shooter? I think I made her with the intention of getting the whole outfit, but I never did find it online, and so when I found her she was just some anime looking bint with stupid hair, a black bikini top and biologically-impossible blue eyes, so I fixed her up and made her look human. She's a bit generic, I think, but hopefully she'll mix genes eventually and make some interesting children. She has thick eyebrows because I think they're pretty and the Kardashians are doing it. I don't recall her traits, but her lifetime goal is Master of the Arts, so she's working on her painting and guitar skills and not much else at all.

This is Genesis Minnow, who is more fortunate in the looks department (though he seems very plastic- I like to call him Ken in my head because Genesis is a bit of a daft name and I don't know what I was thinking) I don't really remember making him at all, but I do think he had a family eventually in my past game and so I am a tiny bit sad for him, but not really because he's not real. His lifetime goal is to be a rockstar- I've got him a job as a 'fan', but he's not started yet.

They're so far a bit of a boring bunch. They woohooed a couple of times and they're romantic interests, but other than that it's mostly just skilling. Thankfully(?), excitement came in the form of Robin Steale. She's not the slyest, umbrella and all. Actually, the robber in FuryRed's Wolf Family Legacy had the same one, right? Is this common with robbers now?

I sent Gen down to deal with her, but by the time he dragged his ass away from Mato (in his tiny underwear, no less), she was on her way up, and he apparently didn't feel like following, so he just stared instead.

I could comment on the face he pulled in calling the cops, but instead I'm going to restate the plastic thing. I wonder if it's my graphics or EA's default skins? I'm still working on getting my CC back, and skins are something I completely forgot existed. Either way, I'm kinda digging the Ken Doll aesthetic.

Finally a fairy policeman did show up, but he then proceeded to walk in the opposite direction from my house as the Burglar stuffed my treadmill in a small sack. 

He then walked right past Robin Steale (I just got it! Like Rob and Steal!) on the stares on his way to apologise to Gen for arriving so late to answer the call. So it looks like the police in the Sims are about as useful as those in the real world then.

 Fortunately, Mato avoided the neg moodlets by sleeping throughout the whole ordeal.

Nothing else really happened, and so this is where I stopped taking pictures. I'll leave you with this picture of Gen, because his body really is weird but I just can't seem to fix it. He's like the lovechild of some k-pop idol and E.T. I think I'll go look for some skins now, wish me luck.

you know, weirdly i've began simming all the more often again. i'm still very wary of it, and as such i end up saving pretty much every ten minutes, but it seems like everything has magically corrected itself and all is up and running again. seems suspect to me, but we'll see how it goes.

hello again + a slight announcement

hiya I deleted the contents of this post!