i saw a picture of this girl on twitter and you could literally see her hip bones and yet she still has this like monster high doll body with the tiny little waist. i hate hate hate that i’m in a place now where seeing things like that will ruin my entire day. there’s a part of me that really really knows that that shouldn’t be aspirational to me but it definitely fucking is. cause i miss it. i miss being dangerously thin and i miss people worrying about me. like i miss people suspecting i had an eating disorder when i didn’t. i know that that sounds fucking disgusting but it’s honest. and nobody reads this so i can be fucking disgusting if i want to be. i liked it. i liked being so thin that people thought i was ill and now that i’m fat i miss it. i don’t judge fat people but i am disgusted with my own body. 

what’s weird is that i hooked up with a guy last week and like for the first time in a long time it wasn’t an older guy lmao. he was two years younger than me (so he was 21) and he was hot. and he kept complimenting my looks and my body while i was fucking him and so i really did feel hot. like cause he was so into it? but as soon as it was over i just couldn’t keep that ego boost. it lasted until i next saw myself in the mirror and now i wonder if he was just complimenting me cause he felt he had to. 

whatever. apparently add random skinny girls who’s selfies my friends like on twitter that come up on my feed without me looking for it to the list of things i literally just can’t fucking see now. i just want to be on the other end of this. i haven’t used the fasting app and i really don’t want to relapse. like i’ve been doing so fucking well. 

i move next week. maybe getting out of my hometown will make me feel better. if not. i guess i’ll just stuff my face with raw pork. 

 i downloaded a fasting app.

i’ve yet to use it, because i’m not a numbers person. it’s never worked for me because i struggle to conceptualise them and make them real measurable things. i don’t know what i weigh and i’m scared to find out. i have it in my head that i have to be within 50-early60kg because that’s what most male k-pop idols are. i’ve always been a fan of kpop but i’ve never compared my body to theirs because i was always thin and because i’ve never been interested in being muscular. but i watched sungjong performing coming of age ceremony which has always been one of my favourite performances anyone has ever done and i can’t enjoy it anymore cause all i can think about is his tiny little waist and how mine has been thoroughly unsnatched. i image i’m mid to late 60s. i think if i found out i was in the 70s i would genuinely consider killing myself. i’m like 5’8”. i can’t be within 70kg.

i’m in this weird sort of twilight zone though where i know for a fact that i have body dysmorphia and i have these weird moments which at the time feel like clarity where i’m like oh work i’ve been skinny this whole time. but how am i supposed to know that it’s real when i see someone who’s thin and my head playing tricks when i see someone the size of a house? i don’t know what’s real. i’ve always felt like i was good looking and now i have to avoid looking in the mirror cause if i look at myself i feel suicidal. i look hideous lately and i don’t know if it’s because i’m getting older or because all of this stress is showing on my face or if i’ve just always been so disgusting and i’ve been delusional about my appearance. the full body cringe that i feel when i consider that possibility is like debilitating. that’s humiliating.

i have one meal a day and i was doing good at not snacking, but for whatever reason, i’ve been snacking a lot recently. ultimately i am just kind of a greedy person. i like to eat and that fucks with me because i eat when i don’t need to. i’ve been going on walks as a way to manage this and it’s working to not make me any fatter but i’m not getting any skinnier. genuinely consider just forging myself with a pack of raw pork and shitting all of the weight away. but i’m too scared of bugs to risk the parasite. gonna just start the timer on the fasting app. weather permitting i’ll go a long walk tomorrow too.

so that’s where i’m at. how’re u