i saw a picture of this girl on twitter and you could literally see her hip bones and yet she still has this like monster high doll body with the tiny little waist. i hate hate hate that i’m in a place now where seeing things like that will ruin my entire day. there’s a part of me that really really knows that that shouldn’t be aspirational to me but it definitely fucking is. cause i miss it. i miss being dangerously thin and i miss people worrying about me. like i miss people suspecting i had an eating disorder when i didn’t. i know that that sounds fucking disgusting but it’s honest. and nobody reads this so i can be fucking disgusting if i want to be. i liked it. i liked being so thin that people thought i was ill and now that i’m fat i miss it. i don’t judge fat people but i am disgusted with my own body. 

what’s weird is that i hooked up with a guy last week and like for the first time in a long time it wasn’t an older guy lmao. he was two years younger than me (so he was 21) and he was hot. and he kept complimenting my looks and my body while i was fucking him and so i really did feel hot. like cause he was so into it? but as soon as it was over i just couldn’t keep that ego boost. it lasted until i next saw myself in the mirror and now i wonder if he was just complimenting me cause he felt he had to. 

whatever. apparently add random skinny girls who’s selfies my friends like on twitter that come up on my feed without me looking for it to the list of things i literally just can’t fucking see now. i just want to be on the other end of this. i haven’t used the fasting app and i really don’t want to relapse. like i’ve been doing so fucking well. 

i move next week. maybe getting out of my hometown will make me feel better. if not. i guess i’ll just stuff my face with raw pork.